Why am I crying again! Have I not learnt? Why over and over again, the same issues hurt me all the same. Come on. You did all this work! You meditate, do gratefulness practice. Why some things just cannot change!
Hmmm, but maybe you have learnt something.
Maybe, for a change – just look at it, feel it, let it be open, let it bruise, let it hurt – just like my toe. Just like my bee-stung.
I’m learning to look at things differently now. Instead of beating myself up for not learning, not getting better, not getting stronger, I just sit with it. Maybe some thighs are never meant to change. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to be overly sensitive.
Instead of asking myself ‘why?’ – I touch my heart and I invite the tears. And then, a funny thing happens, because if I allow it, the tears don’t come.
What you resist persists. The universal truth.
My toe wasn’t broken in the end, although it definitely felt like it for a couple of days. But I let it be, and it healed much quicker than I expected.
I allow myself to feel the feelings, and when the ‘undesired’ thoughts knock on the door, I let them in.
I realized that it triggers me when I’m in the company of people who don’t make any effort to talk to me. And when they ignore me altogether, it opens despair in me that could never be experienced even when I was totally alone. It brings back unhealed wounds, codependence issues, and the need to be in the centre of attention to please and prove my worth. Many issues, which are deeply rooted in childhood traumas.
But this time, instead of analyzing, I touched my heart and said: cry if you want to. And I didn’t. (I was also attacked by a bunch of wild gooses around that time, so this probably took my attention away, don’t ask lol)
As I let things be, I remembered the concept that peoples behaviour is always a reflection of their inner world, not my value. It really is crucial to remember this. I let go.
It’s ok to not always be in the right place and at the right time. It’s ok not always to be surrounded by people who get you or find you interesting. It’s ok to be out of place.
How the saying goes? You can’t please everyone, you are not pizza. I’m definitely not a pizza. More of a marmite myself.
Those who get you are the people that you really want to be around.
I had so many incredible encounters. I had deep, meaningful conversations with people that I knew for a couple of hours. Why do I seek more? There could be many answers to that, and it would make an excellent psychology session. That’s for sure.
But for now, it looks like letting it bruise, letting it be, and loving my feelings, appreciating who I am, is the way forward.
Teal Swan said that you could not fix relationship issues outside of the relationship. I do a lot of self-work. Yet, I’m always finding myself in the same limbo when I care for people. So from now on, I will embrace the relationship issues, communicate my boundaries, communicate my issues, allow learning without shying away from complicated relationships, and if things don’t feel right, I will simply follow my gut feelings. I will only go where it feels right. And the right people will listen, and so will I.
The bee sat on my chest, and I got scared, I tried to hash it away, so it stung me. Would I let it be – It would just go away by itself. And I would not be writing about it right now. Food for thought.
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